The Pattern

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Originalen
Han trakk på skuldrene og myste uinteressert mot rytteren. Så våknet Shiriken. Han kjente hver plante og hvert gresstrå gro på marken. Han hørte fugler i flukt over himmelen. Han følte hjerteslagene til små gnagere under jorden.
Tro ikke at en hette og et par hansker er nok til å skjule seg for en Nattkriger, Dolkemann. Jeg kan høre de hese åndedragene dine. Jeg kan se hvordan du går, bøyer ryggen og beveger armene dine. Jeg kan kjenne hjerteslagene dine igjennom grunnen du står på. Jeg kan lukte stanken av død om deg.
Tusener av tusener av år kan gå, men jeg vil alltid kjenne deg igjen. I en annen verden vil jeg kjenne deg igjen. Jeg vil være en evig gjest i dine mareritt. Vit det, Dolkemann. For hva du har gjort mot meg, vil jeg betale tilbake hundre ganger.

[...]

"Du kommer til å fortelle meg oppdraget ditt. Du kommer til å fortelle meg hva du skulle gjøre i nordlandene. Du kommer til å fortelle meg alt du vet. Kanskje ikke med en gang, men før eller siden vil all din viten bli min."

[...]

Han lot restene av Dolkemannen henge i treet. Liket hang med føttene opp og hodet ned over det lille bålet. Skallen hadde sprukket av varmen. Nå rant hjernemassen ut som skittent vann.







Forslag 1
Shrugging, he gazed lazily at the rider. Then Shiriken awoke. He could sense every plant and every straw of grass growing in the earth beneath him. He could hear birds in the sky. He could feel the heartbeats of tiny rodents under ground.
Never think that a hood and a pair of gloves is enough to hide from a Warrior of the Night, Bladesman. I can hear your hoarse respiration. I can see how you walk, bending your back and moving your arms. I can feel your pulse through the ground below your feet. I can smell the stench of death that surrounds you.
Thousands upon thousands of years can pass, but I will always recognize you. In another world, I will recognize you. I will visit you forever in your nightmares. Know this, Bladesman. For what you have done to me, I will repay you a hundred times.

[...]

“You will tell me of your mission. You will tell me what business you had in the Northlands. You will tell me everything you know. Maybe not immediately, but sooner or later all your knowledge will be mine.”

[...]

He left the remains of the Bladesman hanging in the tree. The corpse hung there, feet up, head down, above the small fire. The heat had made his skull crack, and now his brain was leaking out like muddy water.


Forslag 2.
He shrugged and blinked indifferently towards the horseman. Then the Shirik woke. He felt every plant and every straw of grass grow on the field. He heard birds in flight over the sky. He felt the heartbeats of little rhodents under the earth.
Do not believe that a hood and a pair of gloves is enough to hide from a Nightwarrior, Daggerman. I can hear your hoarse breaths. I can see how you walk, bend your back and move your arms. I can feel your hearbeats through the ground on which you stand. I can smell the stench of death about you.
Thousands of thousands of years may pass, but I will always know you. In another world I would know you. I will be an eternal guest in your nightmares. Know that, Daggerman. For what you have done to me, I will pay back hundredfold.

[...]

"You will tell me your mission. You will tell me what you were about to do in the northlands. You will tell me all you know. Maybe not at once, but sooner or later all your knowledge will be mine."

[...]

He let the remains of the Daggerman hanging from the tree. The body hung feet up, with the head down above the small fire. The skull had cracked from the heat. Now the brain matter spilled out like filthy water.


Forslag 3
He shrugged and squinted indifferently at the horseman. Then Shiriken awoke. He could feel every plant and every blade of grass growing on the ground. He could hear birds in flight across the sky. He could sense the heartbeat of small rodents below the earth.
Do not believe that a hood and a pair of gloves is enough to hide from a Nightwarrior, Daggerman. I can hear your hoarse breathing. I can see the way you walk, the way you bend your back and move your arms. I can feel your heartbeat through the ground you stand upon. I can smell the stench of death around you.
Thousands upon thousands of years may pass, but I will always know you. In another world I will know you. I will forever haunt your dreams. Know this, Daggerman. Because what you have done to me, I will repay a hundredfold.

[...]

"You will tell me about your quest. You will tell me what you were going to do in the Northlands. You will tell me everything you know. Perhaps not at once, but sooner or later all your knowledge will become mine."

[...]

He let the remains of the Daggerman hang from the tree. The corpse hung with its feet up and its head down above the small fire. The heat had made the skull crack. Now the brains were trickling out like dirty water.

Forslag 4
He shrugged and squinted uninterested at the rider. Then Shiriken awoke. He felt every weed and herb grow in the meadow. He felt the beat of wings as birds fled across the sky. He even felt the heartbeats of the rodents underneath him.

A hood and a pair of gloves hold no veil for a Nightwarrior, Edgedancer. I can hear your hoarse breath wheeze through your teeth. I recognize your walk, your arched back and the way you move your hands. Your heart is a beating drum and I can feel the vibrations rattle the ground you walk. The stench of death surrounds you like vultures on a bloated corpse.

Ages may pass, but I will always know the mark of your soul. Hide yourself in a different world and, it will give you no surcease, for I will find you. Your nightmares will for eternity be riddled by your fear for me. Witness, Edgedancer. What you have inflicted upon me is about to be repaid a hundred times and more.

(…)

“You will tell me off you mission. You will tell me of your purpose in the northern reaches. Your every thought shall be mine. Maybe not this very moment, but eventually your mind will have no secrets left to tell.”

(…)

He let the remnants of the Edgedancer hang in the tree. The corpses head hung peacefully over the small fire. The heat had made the skull crack. Gray matter ran like a polluted stream down the Edgedancers chin.

Forslag 5
Shrugging, he squinted without interest at the horseman. Then Shiriken woke up. He felt every plant, every straw of grass, growing on the ground. He heard birds in flight across the sky. He felt the hearts of small, underground rodents beating.
Do not believe a hood and a set of gloves is sufficient to hide from a Night Warrior, Dirk. I can hear your hoarse breaths. I can see how you walk, bend your back and move your arms. I can feel your heart-beats through the ground you tread on. I can smell the stench of death about you.
Thousands upon thousands of years may pass by, but I will always recognize you. In another world I will recognize you. I will eternally guest your nightmares. Know this, Dirk. For what you have done to me, I shall repay you hundredfold.

[...]

"You will tell me of your mission. You will tell me what you were to do in the north-lands. You will tell me all that you know. Maybe not at first, but sooner or later all your knowledge will be mine."

[...]

He let the remains of the Dirk hang in the tree. The corpse hung feet up, head down, above the small fire. The skull had cracked from the heat. The brain matter was pouring out like filthy water.

Forslag 6
He shrugged and scuinted uninterested against the rider. Then Shiriken woke up. He felt every plant and every grass grow under him on the ground. He heard birds flee in the sky. He felt the heartbeats of little rodents under ground.
Do not believe a hood and two glowes is enough to hide from a Warrior of the Night, Man of Daggers. I can hear your hearse breaths. I can see how you walk, bend your back and move your arms. I can feel your heartbeats trough the ground you stand on. I can smell the stench of death from you.
Thousand of year can pass, but I will allways recognize you. In an other world I will recognize you. I will be an everlasting guest in you nightmares. Know this, Man of Daggers. Because what you have done to me, I will repay you houndredfold.

[...]

“You are going to tell me about your mission. You are going to tell me what you were going to do in the northern lands. You are going to tell me everything you know. Maybe not at once, but sooner or later will all of your knowledge be mine.

[...]

He let the rest of the Man of Daggers hang in the tree. The corpse hang with feets up and head down against the little fire. The skull had cracked by the heat. Now the mass of the brain flumed out like dirty water.



Måtte den beste vinne. Hvis jeg har glemt noen, skyt meg. Som sist, stem før du blir med i den livlige diskusjonen som følger om alle de forskjellige forslagene.


edit: La til originalen.

Stem før du leser sa jeg!















































Bladesman, Daggerman x2, Edgedancer, Dirk og Man of daggers. Ikke noe å si på fantasien i det minste. Ellers er det mye bra, og mye likt, blir vanskelig å bestemme seg her tenker jeg.

Har ikke stemt ennå -- skal foreta en dypere komparativ analyse når jeg får bedre tid, og venter til å stemme til jeg har fått den unnagjort -- men etter første gjennomlesning synes jeg nummer 4 skiller seg ut.

Forslag 1 wrote:

Forslag 1
Shrugging, he gazed lazily at the rider. Then Shiriken awoke. He could sense every plant and every straw of grass growing in the earth beneath him. He could hear birds in the sky. He could feel the heartbeats of tiny rodents under ground.

Meget bra første avsnitt. Flyten var fin og ordene var gode. Det eneste jeg har å utsette på den er kanskje "rodents under ground" (gnagerne under jord). Dette ville ikke jeg skrevet, da det ikke er rett og virket litt stokkete.

Never think that a hood and a pair of gloves is enough to hide from a Warrior of the Night, Bladesman. I can hear your hoarse respiration. I can see how you walk, bending your back and moving your arms. I can feel your pulse through the ground below your feet. I can smell the stench of death that surrounds you.

Nattkriger er her oversatt til "Warrior of the Night". Selvsagt en god oversettelse, men tenk på forfatteren som må til stadighet skrive disse lange, noget dårlige engelske navnene. Jeg ville foretrukket Nightwarrior, da dette også glir lettere av tunga, og er bedre engelsk.

Hvis man skulle vært litt konsekvent i navngivningen, så skulle vel kanskje dolkemannen blitt oversatt til Man of Daggers? Men når det er sagt, så synes jeg Bladesman kanskje er den beste oversettelsen av alle de innsendte.

He left the remains of the Bladesman hanging in the tree. The corpse hung there, feet up, head down, above the small fire. The heat had made his skull crack, and now his brain was leaking out like muddy water.

Den markerte setningen er ikke god. Tssk!

Helhetlig vurdering av Forslag 1 er at det er et meget godt forsøk på en oversettelse. Absolutt blant min topp 3 av den innsendte. Pluss spesielt for Bladesmen, men minus for til tider litt stokkete engelsk.

[quote"Forslag 2"]

Forslag 2.He shrugged and blinked indifferently towards the horseman. Then the Shirik woke. He felt every plant and every straw of grass grow on the field. He heard birds in flight over the sky. He felt the heartbeats of little rhodents under the earth.
Do not believe that a hood and a pair of gloves is enough to hide from a Nightwarrior, Daggerman. I can hear your hoarse breaths. I can see how you walk, bend your back and move your arms. I can feel your hearbeats through the ground on which you stand. I can smell the stench of death about you.
Thousands of thousands of years may pass, but I will always know you. In another world I would know you. I will be an eternal guest in your nightmares. Know that, Daggerman. For what you have done to me, I will pay back hundredfold. [/quote]

Mange har skrevet "then Shiriken awoke". Hvis Shiriken er en tittel, så synes jeg "The Shirik" er en bedre måte å si det på. Hvis ikke, så er det skivebom.

Den kursive setningen er den beste av alle de innsendte på det avsnittet. Meget bra skrevet, synes jeg.

Ellers legger jeg merke til at dette forslaget har Nightwarrior og Daggerman. Den siste oversettelsen er meget "rett frem". Litt mer fantasi kunne vært ønskelig, men nå skal man heller ikke klage på hva forfatteren selv har skrevet...

Helhetlig vurdering av forslag 2 er at den er god, og den er på en delt tredjeplass sammen med forslag 3. Hvorfor ikke bedre? Kanskje var den litt uinspirert.

Forslag 3

Enda en Nightwarrior og Daggerman oversettelse. Denne er like god som forslag 2. Visse deler av den er bedre, andre igjen virker litt mindre gjennomtenkt.

[quote"Forslag 4"]Forslag 4

A hood and a pair of gloves hold no veil for a Nightwarrior, Edgedancer. I can hear your hoarse breath wheeze through your teeth. I recognize your walk, your arched back and the way you move your hands. Your heart is a beating drum and I can feel the vibrations rattle the ground you walk. The stench of death surrounds you like vultures on a bloated corpse. [/quote]

"Edgedancer" synes jeg er en morsom oversettelse. Det virker som om den er gjennomtenkt, men om den passer helt inn i historien stiller jeg meg uvitende til. Gjør den det, så synes jeg den, nest etter Bladesman, er best.

Ages may pass, but I will always know the mark of your soul. Hide yourself in a different world and, it will give you no surcease, for I will find you. Your nightmares will for eternity be riddled by your fear for me. Witness, Edgedancer. What you have inflicted upon me is about to be repaid a hundred times and more.

Denne setningen likte jeg meget godt. Litt LotRsk, liksom...

Helhetlig vurdering er at jeg likte forslag 4 best. Det er fordi den hadde det mest frodige språket, selv om det var litt stokkete til tider. Men for en som ikke har lest boka, så var denne best IMO.

Jeg går ikke gjennom forslag 5 og 6 går jeg ikke gjennom. De virket til å ha et par hakk dårligere kvalitet enn de fire første...

Kommentarene mine kommer til å være helt på jordet, i og med at jeg ikke forstår meg på engelsk, men pytt.

Forslag 1
Shrugging, he gazed lazily at the rider. Then Shiriken awoke. He could sense every plant and every straw of grass growing in the earth beneath him. He could hear birds in the sky. He could feel the heartbeats of tiny rodents under ground.
Never think that a hood and a pair of gloves is enough to hide from a Warrior of the Night, Bladesman. I can hear your hoarse respiration. I can see how you walk, bending your back and moving your arms. I can feel your pulse through the ground below your feet. I can smell the stench of death that surrounds you.
Thousands upon thousands of years can pass, but I will always recognize you. In another world, I will recognize you. I will visit you forever in your nightmares. Know this, Bladesman. For what you have done to me, I will repay you a hundred times.

[...]

“You will tell me of your mission. You will tell me what business you had in the Northlands. You will tell me everything you know. Maybe not immediately, but sooner or later all your knowledge will be mine.”

[...]

He left the remains of the Bladesman hanging in the tree. The corpse hung there, feet up, head down, above the small fire. The heat had made his skull crack, and now his brain was leaking out like muddy water.

Hva jeg ikke likte: Føler at denne oversetteren kanskje tar seg litt for store friheter i forhold til første setning. Samme med tredje: ”hvert gresstrå gro på marken” til ” every straw of grass growing in the earth beneath him”? “Thousands upon thousands of years can pass” ville hørtes bedre ut med “may” i stedet for “can”. Noen flere formuleringer I dette avsnittet som andre har gjort bedre. Er også litt usikker på flyten i denne oversettelsa...
Hva jeg likte: Likte at denne oversetteren ikke gjentok ”heartbeats”, men heller gjorde om et ”heartbeats” til ”pulse”. Bladesman er også ganske bra, i og med at ”blades” refererer ganske generelt til knivblad, sverdblad, og lignende. ”Respiration” er også bra, samme med ”surrounds”. Bra med ”left ... hanging” heller enn ”let hang”.

Forslag 2.
He shrugged and blinked indifferently towards the horseman. Then the Shirik woke. He felt every plant and every straw of grass grow on the field. He heard birds in flight over the sky. He felt the heartbeats of little rhodents under the earth.
Do not believe that a hood and a pair of gloves is enough to hide from a Nightwarrior, Daggerman. I can hear your hoarse breaths. I can see how you walk, bend your back and move your arms. I can feel your hearbeats through the ground on which you stand. I can smell the stench of death about you.
Thousands of thousands of years may pass, but I will always know you. In another world I would know you. I will be an eternal guest in your nightmares. Know that, Daggerman. For what you have done to me, I will pay back hundredfold.

[...]

"You will tell me your mission. You will tell me what you were about to do in the northlands. You will tell me all you know. Maybe not at once, but sooner or later all your knowledge will be mine."

[...]

He let the remains of the Daggerman hanging from the tree. The body hung feet up, with the head down above the small fire. The skull had cracked from the heat. Now the brain matter spilled out like filthy water.

Hva jeg ikke likte: Spesielt satte jeg ikke prisen på at denne oversettelsa fikk meg til å lure på om ”Shiriken” er en person eller ”en Shirik”. I setning tre ville jeg brukt -ing-form på ”grow”; slik dette er gjort her høres ikke helt riktig ut. ”Were about to do” innbiller jeg meg passer bedre i situasjoner der handlingen er nærmere i tid enn ”hva du skulle”. ”He let the remains of the Daggerman henging from the tree” -- gir egentlig denne setninga mening? Flyten i resten av denne setningen føler jeg også ”leaves something to be desired”...
Hva jeg likte: Den direkte oversettelsa av Dolkemann var ikke så verst, men det kan ha noe med at så få andre gjorde det på denne måten. Helt grei, egentlig.

Forslag 3
He shrugged and squinted indifferently at the horseman. Then Shiriken awoke. He could feel every plant and every blade of grass growing on the ground. He could hear birds in flight across the sky. He could sense the heartbeat of small rodents below the earth.
Do not believe that a hood and a pair of gloves is enough to hide from a Nightwarrior, Daggerman. I can hear your hoarse breathing. I can see the way you walk, the way you bend your back and move your arms. I can feel your heartbeat through the ground you stand upon. I can smell the stench of death around you.
Thousands upon thousands of years may pass, but I will always know you. In another world I will know you. I will forever haunt your dreams. Know this, Daggerman. Because what you have done to me, I will repay a hundredfold.

[...]

"You will tell me about your quest. You will tell me what you were going to do in the Northlands. You will tell me everything you know. Perhaps not at once, but sooner or later all your knowledge will become mine."

[...]

He let the remains of the Daggerman hang from the tree. The corpse hung with its feet up and its head down above the small fire. The heat had made the skull crack. Now the brains were trickling out like dirty water.

Hva jeg ikke likte: ”The heartbeat of small rodents” -- har de små gnagerne bare ett hjerteslag? Er litt usikker på flyt og sånt...
Hva jeg likte: Ingenting spesielt; hele oversettelsen var temmelig grei.

Forslag 4
He shrugged and squinted uninterested at the rider. Then Shiriken awoke. He felt every weed and herb grow in the meadow. He felt the beat of wings as birds fled across the sky. He even felt the heartbeats of the rodents underneath him.

A hood and a pair of gloves hold no veil for a Nightwarrior, Edgedancer. I can hear your hoarse breath wheeze through your teeth. I recognize your walk, your arched back and the way you move your hands. Your heart is a beating drum and I can feel the vibrations rattle the ground you walk. The stench of death surrounds you like vultures on a bloated corpse.

Ages may pass, but I will always know the mark of your soul. Hide yourself in a different world and, it will give you no surcease, for I will find you. Your nightmares will for eternity be riddled by your fear for me. Witness, Edgedancer. What you have inflicted upon me is about to be repaid a hundred times and more.

(…)

“You will tell me off you mission. You will tell me of your purpose in the northern reaches. Your every thought shall be mine. Maybe not this very moment, but eventually your mind will have no secrets left to tell.”

(…)

He let the remnants of the Edgedancer hang in the tree. The corpses head hung peacefully over the small fire. The heat had made the skull crack. Gray matter ran like a polluted stream down the Edgedancers chin.

Hva jeg ikke likte: Er litt usikker på hva jeg synes om alle de tillagte bildene i teksten: ” Your heart is a beating drum” og ” like vultures on a bloated corpse”. I tillegg er det kanskje litt for mange omskrivninger; dette er tross alt oversettelse, ikke forbedring eller noe sånt.
Hva jeg likte: Med unntak av det jeg nevnte over likte jeg hele greia. Mye bedre språk enn i alle de andre forslagene. Problemet er at det er det jeg synes er problematisk som også er blant det beste, hvilket gjør meg usikker på om jeg skal stemme på denne eller ikke...

Forslag 5
Shrugging, he squinted without interest at the horseman. Then Shiriken woke up. He felt every plant, every straw of grass, growing on the ground. He heard birds in flight across the sky. He felt the hearts of small, underground rodents beating.
Do not believe a hood and a set of gloves is sufficient to hide from a Night Warrior, Dirk. I can hear your hoarse breaths. I can see how you walk, bend your back and move your arms. I can feel your heart-beats through the ground you tread on. I can smell the stench of death about you.
Thousands upon thousands of years may pass by, but I will always recognize you. In another world I will recognize you. I will eternally guest your nightmares. Know this, Dirk. For what you have done to me, I shall repay you hundredfold.

[...]

"You will tell me of your mission. You will tell me what you were to do in the north-lands. You will tell me all that you know. Maybe not at first, but sooner or later all your knowledge will be mine."

[...]

He let the remains of the Dirk hang in the tree. The corpse hung feet up, head down, above the small fire. The skull had cracked from the heat. The brain matter was pouring out like filthy water.

Hva jeg ikke likte: Ingenting spesielt, egentlig.
Hva jeg likte: Dirk er flott.

Forslag 6
He shrugged and scuinted uninterested against the rider. Then Shiriken woke up. He felt every plant and every grass grow under him on the ground. He heard birds flee in the sky. He felt the heartbeats of little rodents under ground.
Do not believe a hood and two glowes is enough to hide from a Warrior of the Night, Man of Daggers. I can hear your hearse breaths. I can see how you walk, bend your back and move your arms. I can feel your heartbeats trough the ground you stand on. I can smell the stench of death from you.
Thousand of year can pass, but I will allways recognize you. In an other world I will recognize you. I will be an everlasting guest in you nightmares. Know this, Man of Daggers. Because what you have done to me, I will repay you houndredfold.

[...]

“You are going to tell me about your mission. You are going to tell me what you were going to do in the northern lands. You are going to tell me everything you know. Maybe not at once, but sooner or later will all of your knowledge be mine.

[...]

He let the rest of the Man of Daggers hang in the tree. The corpse hang with feets up and head down against the little fire. The skull had cracked by the heat. Now the mass of the brain flumed out like dirty water.

Hva jeg ikke likte: En god del skrivefeil, men de kan jo være slurvefeil. Ødelegger uansett inntrykket hvis oversetteren ikke har lest korrektur. ”Hearse” betyr vel ”likbil” eller noe sånt; ikke ”hes”. Dårlig flyt og dårlig språk.
Hva jeg likte: Er ikke sikker på om det er noe spesielt jeg liker, egentlig...


Totalt sett svinger jeg mellom 1 og 4, men jeg ender nok opp på 1 til slutt, i og med at 4 hadde for mange tillegg og omskrivinger.

Shiriken er et egenavn, så blir dumt å bøye det.

For meg står dette mellom 2 og 5. 1 var meget bra språkleg, kanskje best, men eg likte ikkje alle oversetjingsvala - "lazily" er eit lite, men likevel (spør ein meg) unødvendig, avvik i betydning frå "uinteressert". "surrounds you" er for meg underlegent "about you" når ein overset "om deg" i denne samanhengen. Det er ein del slike til, og sjølv om 1 altså kanskje er best språkleg er eg ikkje så veldig nøgd med mange av vala som er gjort i oversetjinga, og det er jo fyrst og fremst det ein skal vurdere. 3 var òg stort sett bra, men bomma i byrjinga - "han følte" er meir immanent og direkte enn "he could feel" i mi bok, så eg likte ikkje den oversetjinga, om er ganske sentral for avsnittet (1 deler forsåvidt dette med 3). 4 var bra, men altfor svulstig i språket samanlikna med originalen - som var svulstig i utgangspunktet - noko som gjorde at den føltest litt tilgjort her og der. 6 var, skjønt langt frå dårleg, den svakeste av dei, "Warrior of the Night" og "Man of Dagger" blir simpelthen for kronglete og tungvint samanlikna med originalene. Den var i tillegg den av oversetjingane som var mest plaga med skrivefeil, og eg må innrømme at sånt påverkar vurderinga mi.

Så, sjølv om det var mykje bra i alle bidrag, og mange av bidragene på enkelte områder slår både 2 og 5, så står det for meg mellom 2 og 5 til sist, simpelthen fordi ingen av dei har slike store enkeltmoment som eg umiddelbart ikkje liker. 5 burde ha gjort som mange av dei andre og skreve "Nightwarrior" i eitt ord, delt opp lider det under same tendens som 6erens oversetjingar, men eg liker til gjengjeld "Dirk" best av Dolkemann-oversetjingane. 2 sin "the Shirik woke" er dårleg, men forståeleg når ein ikkje veit om ordet er eit namn eller ein tittel, og om det faktisk hadde vore ein tittel ville oversetjinga vore heilt grei i mine auge. Det er ellers veldig mykje likt mellom desse to, men eg føler at der det er skilnader har 5 stort sett best flyt og ordval, så eg stemmer på den.

Skriver noen kjappe kommentarer, jeg også, selv om jeg har bidratt selv.

Forslag 1
Shrugging, he gazed lazily at the rider. Then Shiriken awoke. He could sense every plant and every straw of grass growing in the earth beneath him. He could hear birds in the sky. He could feel the heartbeats of tiny rodents under ground.
Never think that a hood and a pair of gloves is enough to hide from a Warrior of the Night, Bladesman. I can hear your hoarse respiration. I can see how you walk, bending your back and moving your arms. I can feel your pulse through the ground below your feet. I can smell the stench of death that surrounds you.
Thousands upon thousands of years can pass, but I will always recognize you. In another world, I will recognize you. I will visit you forever in your nightmares. Know this, Bladesman. For what you have done to me, I will repay you a hundred times.

[...]

“You will tell me of your mission. You will tell me what business you had in the Northlands. You will tell me everything you know. Maybe not immediately, but sooner or later all your knowledge will be mine.”

[...]

He left the remains of the Bladesman hanging in the tree. The corpse hung there, feet up, head down, above the small fire. The heat had made his skull crack, and now his brain was leaking out like muddy water.

Denne var OK, men litt rusk og rask, f.eks.: "Gaze" som oversettelse av "myse" er ikke helt heldig. Gaze er mer å stirre, så peer eller squint hadde vært bedre. "Growing in the earth" er heller ikke helt bra, bedre med on. Bladesman er et fint ord, men originalen bruker jo det mer spesifikke dolk, så hvorfor ikke være like spesifikk i oversettelsen? Ellers er jeg uenig i Terjes kommentar ang. "respiration". Det er et mer klinisk/fagspråklig ord som jeg ikke synes kler denne teksten. Oversetteren veksler mellom "heartbeats" og "pulse", mens originalen kun har "hjerteslag". Uenig med Terje her. Enig med Terje ang. may vs. can. Helt på slutten har oversetteren slått sammen to setninger til én. Kanskje ikke helt heldig når det gjelder å bevare originalens korte setninger.

Forslag 2.
He shrugged and blinked indifferently towards the horseman. Then the Shirik woke. He felt every plant and every straw of grass grow on the field. He heard birds in flight over the sky. He felt the heartbeats of little rhodents under the earth.
Do not believe that a hood and a pair of gloves is enough to hide from a Nightwarrior, Daggerman. I can hear your hoarse breaths. I can see how you walk, bend your back and move your arms. I can feel your hearbeats through the ground on which you stand. I can smell the stench of death about you.
Thousands of thousands of years may pass, but I will always know you. In another world I would know you. I will be an eternal guest in your nightmares. Know that, Daggerman. For what you have done to me, I will pay back hundredfold.

[...]

"You will tell me your mission. You will tell me what you were about to do in the northlands. You will tell me all you know. Maybe not at once, but sooner or later all your knowledge will be mine."

[...]

He let the remains of the Daggerman hanging from the tree. The body hung feet up, with the head down above the small fire. The skull had cracked from the heat. Now the brain matter spilled out like filthy water.

Litt pussig med "blinked" som oversettelse av "myste". "The Shirik" blir feil, siden "Shiriken" ikke er noen tittel, men det kunne jo ikke oversetteren vite. På den annen side: Bruken av stor forbokstav i ordet burde være en pekepinn om at det er et navn, siden vi normalt ikke bruker stor forbokstav i titler på norsk. Men så kunne det jo hende at Havnes blåste i denne regelen da han skrev boka, så ...
"Over the sky" går ikke på engelsk. "Rhodents" skrives uten h. "Thousands of thousands" er feil. Det må være enten "thousands upon thousands" eller "thousands and thousands". Her mener jeg for øvrig at Havnes har gjort en feil i originalen: Det heter ikke "tusener av tusener", men "tusener på tusener".
Uheldig med "would" i "In another world I would know you" når det er brukt "will" i setningene før og etter -- ødelegger symmetrien. (Jf. originalens vil -- vil -- vil.) "Hundredfold" bør ha ubestemt artikkel foran seg i denne sammenhengen. "He let the remains hanging from the tree" gir ikke mening; det må være left. Litt usikker på bruken av "filthy" om vann -- ordet brukes gjerne i betydningen "snuskete", "uanstendig", kanskje oftere enn i den konkrete betydningen, mener jeg. Bedre med "dirty", "muddy" e.l. Enig med Terje ang. "what you were about to do".

Forslag 3
He shrugged and squinted indifferently at the horseman. Then Shiriken awoke. He could feel every plant and every blade of grass growing on the ground. He could hear birds in flight across the sky. He could sense the heartbeat of small rodents below the earth.
Do not believe that a hood and a pair of gloves is enough to hide from a Nightwarrior, Daggerman. I can hear your hoarse breathing. I can see the way you walk, the way you bend your back and move your arms. I can feel your heartbeat through the ground you stand upon. I can smell the stench of death around you.
Thousands upon thousands of years may pass, but I will always know you. In another world I will know you. I will forever haunt your dreams. Know this, Daggerman. Because what you have done to me, I will repay a hundredfold.

[...]

"You will tell me about your quest. You will tell me what you were going to do in the Northlands. You will tell me everything you know. Perhaps not at once, but sooner or later all your knowledge will become mine."

[...]

He let the remains of the Daggerman hang from the tree. The corpse hung with its feet up and its head down above the small fire. The heat had made the skull crack. Now the brains were trickling out like dirty water.

Uenig med Terje ang. "heartbeat" i entall -- det kan fint brukes på denne måten også. Riktignok heller betydningen da kanskje noe mer mot "puls" enn de enkelte hjerteslagene, men både entall og flertall er riktig. Også uenig med Loki ang. bruken av "could": I sammenhenger som denne hvor man bruker "could feel", "could hear" osv. på engelsk, bruker vi gjerne bare hovedverbet på norsk, og omvendt -- selv om jeg ikke noe belegg for dette på stående fot, utover språkfølelse og erfaring.

Forslag 4
He shrugged and squinted uninterested at the rider. Then Shiriken awoke. He felt every weed and herb grow in the meadow. He felt the beat of wings as birds fled across the sky. He even felt the heartbeats of the rodents underneath him.

A hood and a pair of gloves hold no veil for a Nightwarrior, Edgedancer. I can hear your hoarse breath wheeze through your teeth. I recognize your walk, your arched back and the way you move your hands. Your heart is a beating drum and I can feel the vibrations rattle the ground you walk. The stench of death surrounds you like vultures on a bloated corpse.

Ages may pass, but I will always know the mark of your soul. Hide yourself in a different world and, it will give you no surcease, for I will find you. Your nightmares will for eternity be riddled by your fear for me. Witness, Edgedancer. What you have inflicted upon me is about to be repaid a hundred times and more.

(…)

“You will tell me off you mission. You will tell me of your purpose in the northern reaches. Your every thought shall be mine. Maybe not this very moment, but eventually your mind will have no secrets left to tell.”

(…)

He let the remnants of the Edgedancer hang in the tree. The corpses head hung peacefully over the small fire. The heat had made the skull crack. Gray matter ran like a polluted stream down the Edgedancers chin.

Denne var interessant og kreativ, isolert sett, men som oversettelse av det aktuelle tekststykket ville den aldri passere. Det er en helt annen tekst enn originalen. Altfor fritt oversatt. Der originalen er knapp og korthugd, er oversettelsen ordrik og har mange tillegg og bilder: "... wheeze through your teeth" har ikke noe motstykke i originalen. "Your heart is a beating drum" -- billedlig uttrykksmåte der det ikke er noe bilde i originalen. Originalens knappe "Jeg kan lukte stanken av død om deg" får tillegget "... like vultures on a bloated corpse", som det overhodet ikke er noe belegg for i originalen. Det enkle "Jeg vil alltid kjenne deg igjen" blir "... always know the mark of your soul", som er noe helt annet. Osv. Disse tilleggene og veldig frie oversettelsene ødelegger det knappe og repetitive, nærmest messende, ved originalen ("Han kjente ... Han hørte ... Han følte ...", "Jeg kan høre ... Jeg kan se ... Jeg kan kjenne ... Jeg kan lukte ...", "jeg vil ... vil jeg ... jeg vil ...", "Du kommer til å ... Du kommer til å ... Du kommer til å ...").
I tillegg en del feil: "Uninterested" skulle ha vært "uninterestedly", kommaet etter "different world and" skulle ikke ha vært der, "tell me off you[r]" skulle ha vært "... of your", "corpses head" skulle ha vært "corpse's head", "Edgedancers chin" skulle ha vært "Edgedancer's" osv. En annen ting som er litt interessant: Jeg mener at "your fear for me" blir feil i denne sammenhengen. Hvis X har "fear for" Y, betyr det engstelse/bekymring, altså at X er redd for at Y ikke har det bra. Det burde ha stått "fear of".

Forslag 5
Shrugging, he squinted without interest at the horseman. Then Shiriken woke up. He felt every plant, every straw of grass, growing on the ground. He heard birds in flight across the sky. He felt the hearts of small, underground rodents beating.
Do not believe a hood and a set of gloves is sufficient to hide from a Night Warrior, Dirk. I can hear your hoarse breaths. I can see how you walk, bend your back and move your arms. I can feel your heart-beats through the ground you tread on. I can smell the stench of death about you.
Thousands upon thousands of years may pass by, but I will always recognize you. In another world I will recognize you. I will eternally guest your nightmares. Know this, Dirk. For what you have done to me, I shall repay you hundredfold.

[...]

"You will tell me of your mission. You will tell me what you were to do in the north-lands. You will tell me all that you know. Maybe not at first, but sooner or later all your knowledge will be mine."

[...]

He let the remains of the Dirk hang in the tree. The corpse hung feet up, head down, above the small fire. The skull had cracked from the heat. The brain matter was pouring out like filthy water.

Denne var fin, men noen småting: "Pass by" blir ikke helt riktig i denne konteksten. "Pass by" betyr "gå forbi", "forbigå", mens det her må være bare "pass". "Guest" kan ikke brukes som verb, i hvert fall ikke i denne sammenhengen (som verb betyr det å beverte). Samme kommentar som over ang. "hundredfold".

Forslag 6
He shrugged and scuinted uninterested against the rider. Then Shiriken woke up. He felt every plant and every grass grow under him on the ground. He heard birds flee in the sky. He felt the heartbeats of little rodents under ground.
Do not believe a hood and two glowes is enough to hide from a Warrior of the Night, Man of Daggers. I can hear your hearse breaths. I can see how you walk, bend your back and move your arms. I can feel your heartbeats trough the ground you stand on. I can smell the stench of death from you.
Thousand of year can pass, but I will allways recognize you. In an other world I will recognize you. I will be an everlasting guest in you nightmares. Know this, Man of Daggers. Because what you have done to me, I will repay you houndredfold.

[...]

“You are going to tell me about your mission. You are going to tell me what you were going to do in the northern lands. You are going to tell me everything you know. Maybe not at once, but sooner or later will all of your knowledge be mine.

[...]

He let the rest of the Man of Daggers hang in the tree. The corpse hang with feets up and head down against the little fire. The skull had cracked by the heat. Now the mass of the brain flumed out like dirty water.

Her var det mange feil, bl.a. scuinted (squinted); uninterested (mangler -ly); "flee" betyr å flykte, ikke å fly; glowes (gloves); hearse (hoarse); trough (through); thousand of year (thousands of years); houndredfold (hundredfold); feets (feet) etc. Flume er ikke et verb, men et substantiv som betyr bl.a. kanal, transportrenne eller fjellkløft som det renner en elv gjennom. Ellers mye dårlig språk og uidiomatisk engelsk, f.eks. gal ordstilling i "sooner or later will all of your knowledge be mine".

Ha ha, pokker, nå klarte jeg å stemme på feil bidrag. Sånn går det når det er sent på natta. Kan man trekke tilbake stemmer?

Takk for interessante kommentarer!

Kva "could feel"-kommentaren min angår får eg spesifisere at eg ikkje meinte det var verken grammatisk eller tydingsmessig feil, det veit eg at det ikkje var - eg meinte at det for meg føltest litt annleis enn setningane det oversatte, det gav ein meir distansert og observerende atmosfære over skildringa enn å droppe hjelpeverbet. Den kortere formuleringa føltest nærmare den originale teksten då den originale teksten hadde nettopp denne, tja, sugende kvaliteten. Men eg har åpenbart ikkje engelsk som morsmål, så kva eg føler i sånne tilfeller er ofte veldig lite relatert til kva kvalitetar som faktisk ligg i språkbruken, og alt anna enn objektivt - det er høgst sannsynleg at eg overfører mitt forhald til den norske formuleringa direkte over til den mest ordlydsmessig like engelske.

Morten wrote:Ha ha, pokker, nå klarte jeg å stemme på feil bidrag. Sånn går det når det er sent på natta. Kan man trekke tilbake stemmer?

Makan, hold deg unna spriten

Om ikke admins kan fikse det, kan du sende en PM til meg hva du stemte, så kan jeg bruke min stemme på det. Det trekker jo ikke ifra stemmen du brukte, men bedre enn ingenting.



Selv om ikke jeg stemmer, kommer jeg nok til å kommentere forslagene når jeg får tid, min favoritthobby

Jeg har ikke peiling på engelsk (som vist i forslag 6) så jeg kommenterer nok ikke noe nå. Må nok skjerpe meg med rettskrivninga. Mulig jeg kommer tilbake og kommenterer en gang jeg føler jeg har ork til det.

Kjetil wrote:

Morten wrote:Ha ha, pokker, nå klarte jeg å stemme på feil bidrag. Sånn går det når det er sent på natta. Kan man trekke tilbake stemmer?

Makan, hold deg unna spriten

Hehe, en overdose vannmelon er tydeligvis heller ikke bra. Kanskje den hadde gjæret.

Kjetil wrote:Om ikke admins kan fikse det, kan du sende en PM til meg hva du stemte, så kan jeg bruke min stemme på det. Det trekker jo ikke ifra stemmen du brukte, men bedre enn ingenting.

Den er grei! Får se om admins har noen innspill i løpet av de gjenværende dagene. Ingen bråhast.

Er det mulig å diskutere hvorfor man oversatte slik man gjorde i denne tråden? Eller er det for ødeleggende på et slikt tidlig tidspunkt?

Blir nok vanskelig å trekke tilbake stemmen. Måtte isåfall lett gjennom databasene på en eller annen måte, men gå for Kjetils forslag du, Morten.